GRIEF AFTER ABORTION: 10 THINGS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW 

Grief after abortion can feel overwhelming, and it often doesn’t fit neatly into categories or follow a predictable path. You might find yourself experiencing a whirlwind of emotions — relief, guilt, loss, depression, anger. This October, during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, let’s explore the realities of grieving after abortion, highlighting 10 things you should know including how to find compassionate support for your healing journey.

1. GRIEF IS PERSONAL—AND THAT’S OKAY

Your response to abortion experiences is entirely your own. Some people may feel relief, while others carry an overwhelming sense of loss. You might have felt impacted right away, or maybe the weight of it didn’t hit you until much later. No matter what or when you’ve felt it, your emotions are valid. 

Here are some voices from others who’ve shared their feelings:

I am feeling overwhelming sadness, depression, and guilt that hasn’t improved even though it’s been four years since my abortion. I am not sure how to heal. – Female Client

My partner and I weren’t exclusive, so when she said she was pregnant, I asked “How do you know it is mine? A few weeks later, I realized that was a mistake, but she had already gotten an abortion. I never got a chance to mend things. I blocked it for a long time. Years later when my daughter was born, all that loss came forward. It has haunted me for 30 years. – Male Client

If you’re experiencing similar emotions, know that grief doesn’t always follow a set timeline or look the same for everyone. You’re not alone in this. When you’re ready, there are people who understand what you’re going through and can help you find your way through it.

2. GRIEF AND RELIEF CAN COEXIST

It may seem contradictory, but many people feel both grief and relief after abortion. Even if you felt sure about your decision at the time, it’s not unusual to have a mix of emotions later on. You might have been facing significant challenges, such as financial strain, career or educational obstacles, relationship issues, or health concerns. Relief may stem from feeling like you made the best choice given your circumstances, but that doesn’t mean feelings of sadness, regret, or confusion won’t surface too.

I thought I would only feel a sense of relief after the procedure; however, I’m overwhelmed with feelings of grief, guilt, and regret. – Client

I feel both regret and relief. I really loved my baby, but I was in such a toxic, hurtful relationship, I couldn’t imagine raising a family with him. – Female Client

If you’re wrestling with both relief and regret, you’re not alone. Compassionate support can help you process these emotions and foster healing. Recognizing that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions can be a vital step toward finding peace in your journey.

3. GRIEF ISN’T ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL

The Five Stages of Grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — are often presented as a roadmap. But grief rarely follows such a neat path. You may move back and forth between emotions. Your feelings may shift and change, resurface after years, or come alongside other emotions. And that’s okay. 

While your path may not look like anyone else’s, it can be valuable to hear what others have experienced: 

It’s been four years since the woman I was seeing told me she was pregnant and wanted an abortion… It’s all been flooding back lately, and sometimes the grief and shame are overwhelming. – Male Client

At first I was in denial after my abortion. I just pushed it down and didn’t want to think about it. But now I feel depression, anxiety, anger, and guilt. I’m having dreams and flashbacks. – Female Client

I had multiple abortions in my younger days. Over 20 years ago, I went on an abortion healing retreat that helped so much. But a few months ago, I had a depressive episode. My mind has gotten stuck on my abortions and it won’t relent. I’ve been so sad, anxious, and hopeless. It’s like I’m reliving all my pain and trauma again. – Female Client

Understanding that grief can return or change over time is important. Healing is a journey that may take you through unexpected emotional landscapes, but it’s one you don’t have to travel alone.

4. GRIEVING THE ‘WHAT IFS’ IS NORMAL

“What ifs” can be one of the hardest parts of grieving after abortion. What if I had done this or said that? What if I had made another choice? What if things had been different? Questions like these can weigh heavily on the heart, but “What Ifs” are a natural part of the grieving process.

Clients often share their struggles with What If?, like this client:

My due date is coming up. It’s been overwhelming thinking about it. I’m feeling regret, the loss, the decision, the what ifs. I’m feeling the grief of the loss – knowing I can’t change anything and wondering what might have been. – Female Client

While it’s natural to wonder about what might have been, it can also keep you feeling stuck. Finding a way to accept what happened, though challenging, is a vital part of the healing journey. As you navigate your feelings, support from others can help shift your focus from the past to the possibilities that lie ahead, allowing you to move forward. 

5. SILENT GRIEF CAN BE HARD TO BEAR

Many individuals struggle with feeling that they aren’t allowed to grieve after abortion, so they keep their emotions hidden. Whether it’s due to shame, stigma, societal pressures, or some other reason, their grief can go unacknowledged or unrecognized by others, which is called disenfranchised grief. 

I went through an abortion this year with my then-girlfriend. I’ve been feeling extreme grieving over the abortion, and I don’t have anywhere to turn to. I never told anyone what happened, so I’ve just been silently suffering with it. – Male Client

I could really use help coping with my abortion. I feel terrible, sad, and guilty. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because it’s such a touchy subject. – Client

I had two abortions – 45 and 50 years ago. I can’t tell my friends because they’ll look at me differently. I’m seeing a doctor and a counselor for clinical depression, but I feel like I can’t tell them about the abortions. I’m all alone keeping this pain and grief inside. – Client

For men in particular, their grief after abortion is often dismissed or invalidated. Like this man:

My now-ex-wife had an abortion four years ago. She and her parents told me it doesn’t affect men. And even my mom wasn’t supportive. I felt discounted and like my feelings weren’t legitimate. I shut down and pretty much suppressed all memories and emotions about the abortion. It wasn’t until I was seeking help for a different issue years later that I realized the abortion was a wound fueling some pretty unhealthy behaviors. – Male Client

Recognizing that your feelings are valid, even if no one else sees or understands them, is a crucial step toward healing. You don’t have to carry your grief in silence—there are others who can help you hold the weight.

6. UNRESOLVED GRIEF CAN LINGER AND HARM

For some, the grief after abortion doesn’t fade with time—it persists, and can feel as raw years later as it did in the moment. With prolonged or complicated grief, individuals feel stuck in their grief, unable to move forward. This can be influenced by multiple factors, including intersecting issues like poverty, homelessness, addiction, or abuse. Lack of voice, choice, or control can also feed into complicated grief.

Unresolved grief is not uncommon, as these clients illustrate:

I had an abortion seven years ago that I did not want, my husband forced it on me. I am still so angry every single day – seven years later. Everyone expects me to just move on and get over it, but I can’t. I let it consume my life, all of my anger. I divorced him, but the grief and anger about the abortion are still there. – Female Client

My girlfriend had an abortion two years ago. There wasn’t much I could do since it was her choice. Everyone always says abortion isn’t a big deal, but I didn’t expect to be impacted in this way. My friends don’t understand and my parents only talk about the morality of abortion. I have no one. I feel angry and depressed, which I’ve never experienced before. I feel stuck, like I can’t move on. I feel destroyed, sad, and like I don’t have any dignity. I wish I didn’t care so it wouldn’t affect me, but I do. – Male Client

This month is the 20th anniversary of my abortion and it has been hard. I feel so sad about it, and I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Everyone says it was the right thing to do and I should move on. I just wish someone would understand or acknowledge how awful I feel about it. Do others feel this same way? Is it common to have these feelings so long afterwards? – Female Client

I’m the one who swayed her. I felt relief that day, but the next day it hit me so hard I couldn’t forgive myself. Things got worse including bad friendships, alcohol abuse, drugs, acting out, poor decisions with more girlfriends, just complete destruction for over a decade. – Male Client 

These lived experiences emphasize how long-lasting grief can be and why it’s essential to address and seek support to avoid getting stuck in pain for years, even decades. Healing is possible, even if the grief has been prolonged.

7. MEN GRIEVE, TOO

Abortion can affect both women and men. Many men feel disenfranchised, or like their grief isn’t valid. But the reality is, as you’ve read examples throughout this article, men can feel deep pain, regret, and grief after abortion, too.

Our research found that 71% of men experienced negative emotional changes after a pregnancy they were part of ended in abortion. Over 80% looked for help or said they could benefit from talking to someone. Yet only 18% knew where to go for support. Support After Abortion offers resources specifically for men, as well as women. You can find links to these at the end of this article.

Here are some additional first-hand accounts that illustrate how deeply abortion can affect men:

I don’t think people realize how this affects men also. I have been depressed and cry sometimes out of nowhere because of it. I can’t sleep. It’s like falling in a hole with no lights, spinning and spiraling, and having no direction. – Male Client

I’m still struggling with regret seven years after my ex-wife and I decided to abort our baby. – Male Client

The girl I was dating had an abortion a month ago and I am struggling and using alcohol to try to cope. My dad had two abortions that haunt him, and I don’t want my abortion to define me. – Male Client

I’ve had multiple abortions with my partners a long time ago and recently it’s been haunting me. I’m struggling and need support, but I don’t know where to get it. – Male Client

If you’re a man grappling with grief after abortion, know that your feelings matter. You’re not alone in this. Many guys feel weighed down with regret, anger, and sadness, just like you. It’s okay to seek support in whatever way feels right for you. Whether you choose to talk it out or explore a self-guided healing program, know that taking that step can lead you toward a healthier place.

8. SPEAKING HEALS

You might find you can begin to heal when you allow yourself to grieve, open up about your abortion experience(s), and seek support from those who truly understand what you’re going through. 

In The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma is stored in the body, and how silence can compound emotional pain. Abortion experiences are often kept secret, which can make the healing process even harder. Speaking about your abortion experience(s) — whether with a trusted friend, a professional, or in a support group — can help release some of that trapped grief and allow for healing.

Sharing your story can be transformative. Many clients have said that talking to our After Abortion Line or speaking out for the first time in a group setting helped them feel seen, understood, and less alone:

My abortion was the biggest secret I ever carried. I felt completely alone and misunderstood. Then I found Support After Abortion and was connected to a group. I shared my experience for the first time in my Keys to Hope and Healing group and instantly saw light breaking through. My secret changed, my life changed. – Female Client

My girlfriend chose to abort our babies twice now. I feel so guilty. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Even the few people I told about the first one, I can’t tell them it happened again. I took her to the clinic and cared for her afterward. But, I have feelings of self-blame, fear, and feeling like a failure. Talking with you helps. Thank you for making me feel like I matter. – Male Client

When I first started my group, I couldn’t even say the word abortion. I felt if I acknowledged what I had done, I would have to relive it. The opposite has been true. Sharing my story in my group has given me freedom, not caused me more pain. – Female Client

Facilitators also witness breakthroughs:

As a virtual group facilitator, I find myself consistently being surprised and humbled. I get to witness breakthroughs that come from the hard conversations within the group. The participants have said how thankful they are for their group and the safety they feel to talk and share. – Healing Group Facilitator

I am in awe of the healing that was started, continued, and encouraged over the last six weeks. Some talked about their abortion for the first time and others acknowledged things deeply buried over the years. I saw layers being peeled back. I witnessed love, forgiveness, and changing lives. – Healing Group Facilitator

Many people feel relieved and empowered when they open up about their abortion experience(s). Whether it’s talking to a trusted friend, joining a support group, or working with a counselor, finding a safe space where you can share your story and have others listen and speak to you with compassion and without judgment is crucial for your healing journey.

9. HEALING IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION

Grief after abortion is real and deserves to be acknowledged. It’s not something that heals overnight, and it doesn’t look the same for everyone, but it is possible. The healing journey takes time. Recognizing your grief and seeking help along the way is a sign of strength.

Here’s what clients have said about their healing journeys:

Thank you for listening to me. It’s nice to know I have someone who understands. I often feel alone on this journey, seeking this kind of help where I don’t feel pressured to get over my baby or ignored. Getting to mourn and talk about it is really helpful. I often felt like I couldn’t or shouldn’t mourn. – Client

I was asked to go through an abortion healing group so that I could volunteer at a pregnancy resource center. I didn’t think I needed it, but I agreed. Wow, I had no idea how much healing I still needed to do. I had pushed my abortion wound down so far, didn’t think about it much, and called that healing. I am so thankful I went through the healing group myself. And now I am able to help others. – Client

Providers, too, find that healing is ongoing:

I’m a group facilitator, but I recently did a group as a participant. I did not anticipate the impact it would have on me. One woman’s story in particular hit me hard. There was so much truth in her pain that I could relate to. I am so thankful for her courage to share. She helped unlock another door to my own pain. Healing is never one-and-done. – Provider

Healing isn’t about achieving a final goal but continuously growing, learning, and finding new ways to address grief over time.

10. WHERE TO GET SUPPORT

If you or someone you know is struggling with grief after abortion, remember that healing is possible, and you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Whether your grief feels fresh or long-lasting, there are people and resources ready to support you. Reach out when you’re ready. You’ll find compassionate care and understanding to help you process your abortion experience(s).

You can start by looking at our website supportafterabortion.com for information, videos, self-guided healing, and more for women and men.

Two resources that are particularly helpful for exploring your emotions and behaviors are:

Keys to Hope and Healing, which is an introductory abortion healing resource available for women and men, in English and Spanish. Resources include booklets, self-guided video series, journals, prayer booklets, and facilitator guides and training videos. The men’s book is also available in audio.

Unraveled Roots, which helps people identify root causes behind damaging choices and patterns to change their life by establishing new, healthier patterns. Resources for women and men include print and digital books, journals, self-guided video series, and facilitator guides and training videos. An audio book for men is also available.

HOW CAN I CONTACT THE AFTER ABORTION LINE?

Reach out to our After Abortion Line by online chat, phone, text, email or messaging on Facebook or Instagram. We offer confidential, compassionate support at no cost to you. We can connect you to the healing resource that best meets your preferences – that may be one-on-one, group, or independent; counseling or peer facilitator; virtual, in-person, or self-guided; religious or secular, etc. 

DO YOU – OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO – PROVIDE AFTER-ABORTION SUPPORT?

Explore our Provider Training Center and attend our free monthly Abortion Healing Provider webinars and Quarterly Facilitator Trainings.

© Support After Abortion

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