Resistance Reframed: How To Truly Connect With Clients

INTRO

Kylee Heap, Executive Director of Support After Abortion, welcomed attendees and introduced Karin Barbito, Special Projects Manager, and Nyles Pinckney, Men’s Healing Coordinator.

Karin set the stage for the topic, Resistance Reframed, acknowledging the curiosity the title might spark. She teased the focus of the discussion, asking, “What do we do if a client isn’t progressing on their healing journey, like the other participants, or even perhaps how we think they should progress.”

She encouraged attendees to reflect on the expectations they bring into their work, particularly around what might appear to be client resistance. “Sometimes we think that clients are being resistant because they’re not moving through their anger,” Karin noted, challenging participants to consider whether those expectations align with the client’s unique healing process.

This introduction laid the groundwork for an in-depth exploration of reframing resistance in the context of abortion healing.

WHAT IS FACILITATION?

Karin opened this segment by suggesting it was important to clarify what facilitation is—and what it is not—using insights from the Unraveled Roots facilitator guide for women.

Karin emphasized that effective facilitation begins with a facilitator’s personal healing journey. “It’s a fair assumption…that if you want to facilitate something, you have experienced some level of healing yourself,” she said. Nyles offered another view, noting that some facilitators may begin their work without fully addressing their own healing. Drawing from his experience, he shared, “When I went through my abortion experience, I wanted to fix everybody else’s problems. But when it comes to mine… let’s stay away from that.”

Both agreed that healing is a continual process, not a one-time event. Nyles described it as “chipping away at the wood,” highlighting that healing requires consistent, intentional effort over time.

What Facilitation Is?

Guiding: Karin outlined the second key principle: facilitators are guides, not problem solvers. Using the book Unraveled Roots as an example, she explained, “It is not the facilitator’s job to try and fix anyone in the group. It is up to each participant to take the steps necessary to heal and break damaging cycles.”

Nyles echoed this, stressing the importance of letting participants do the work themselves. “Healing is a full-time job,” he said. “It takes consistent work and being intentional. And I think that’s something as a facilitator that we should really push and make sure we remind clients of consistently.”

Authenticity and Vulnerability: Karin and Nyles agreed that facilitators should model authenticity and vulnerability to create a safe space for participants. Nyles explained, “Being authentic helps participants feel comfortable sharing vulnerably.” However, Karin cautioned against oversharing, as it could unintentionally shift the focus or trigger comparisons. “This is a space for clients to get in touch with their own feelings,” she said.

The Power of “I” Statements: Karin emphasized the value of using “I” statements as a facilitation tool. “Telling what worked for you achieves much better results than telling a participant what they need to do,” she explained. Nyles agreed, humorously recalling his childhood tendency to rebel against instructions. He noted that clients might feel more empowered when they aren’t being told what to do.

Enable Self-Discovery: Karin quoted Galileo, who said, “We cannot teach people anything. We can only help them discover it within themselves.” She explained that facilitation is about guiding participants to uncover their own questions and answers. Nyles connected this principle to his coaching experience, noting how encouraging self-discovery helps build confidence and ownership over the healing process.

Recovery is Personal and Messy: Finally, Nyles summarized one of the most important aspects of facilitation: “Recovery from anything is very personal and messy. The process requires work, commitment, and time. Your goal should be to help each participant keep moving forward at their own speed.”

This segment reinforced the idea that facilitation is a delicate balance of supporting, guiding, and empowering participants without overshadowing their personal journeys.

The discussion between Karin and Nyles also emphasized what facilitation isn’t:

What Facilitation Isn’t?

• No Fixed Outcomes: Facilitators must avoid expecting specific results or outcomes, as healing journeys are personal and non-linear.
• No Agenda or Assumptions: Facilitators should resist the urge to judge progress based on participants’ words or actions, focusing instead on their emotional process.
• Avoiding Resistance Framing: Viewing participants as “resistant” often stems from the facilitator’s own expectations. Instead, facilitators should hold space for participants to process in their own way and time.

This distinction between facilitation and intervention underscores the importance of creating a safe, nonjudgmental space where participants can explore their emotions and progress authentically. 

ROLE PLAY 1: A COACH DEBRIEFS A FACILATOR

Karin and Kylee role play a scenario in which a facilitator is sharing with her coach her frustration with the participants in her group. The coach listens, offers  input, which the facilitator isn’t receptive to. Then the coach offers to co-facilitate in order to model the suggested approach for the facilitator. 

Participants:

• • Coach (Karin Barbito)
  • Facilitator (Kylee Heap)

Coach (Karin): How’s the group doing? Any improvements since the last time we talked?

Facilitator (Kylee): Honestly, not much, Karin. They’re just not opening up. It feels like they’re not making progress, and I’m starting to wonder if they even belong in the group. They just sit there, and it feels like they’re wasting everyone’s time.

Coach (Karin): Sounds like a tough situation. What do you think is holding them back?

Facilitator (Kylee): I don’t know. I ask questions, probe, and encourage vulnerability, but they just defer to others. I’m not sure if they’re putting in the work. Maybe I’m pushing the process too much, or they’re resistant to doing the work. They’ve been in the group for a while and should be further along by now.

Coach (Karin): I think your focus is in the wrong place. It’s not your role to make them grieve or move through the process on a specific timeline. Let’s take a moment to focus on you. It seems like you have expectations for the participants that you haven’t expressed before.

Facilitator (Kylee): What do you mean? There’s nothing going on with me. I’m just frustrated with their lack of openness and progress. This group is so challenging—it makes me want to stop the group entirely.

Coach (Karin): I hear your frustration, but pushing them isn’t the solution. Our role is to create a safe space for processing pain, not to force forward movement.

Karin stepped out of character to explain key points:  

“Kylee’s a good facilitator, experiencing either compassion fatigue or other life struggles that sometimes trigger frustration with the progress of a participant. It can create expectations for healing, or even may make us think that a client is resistant to the process,” she said. 

Takeaways:

• A supervisor or mentor must recognize when a facilitator may be experiencing compassion fatigue or personal struggles.
• Frustration with participant progress, expectations for healing, or perceiving resistance often reflects a facilitator issue rather than a participant issue.
• Facilitators must provide a safe environment for both participants and themselves.

After Co-Facilitating

In this part of the role play, the coach and facilitator regroup and debrief after the group meeting in which the coach co-facilitated.

Coach (Karin): How do you think the remainder of the group went, Kylee?

Facilitator (Kylee): It went a lot better! Jenny really opened up, and Amber shared vulnerably about her abortion. I didn’t think it was possible with this group.

Coach (Karin): What do you think changed?

Facilitator (Kylee): I was skeptical, but your sharing inspired everyone to feel comfortable. I realized I had forgotten to do that because I’ve been so caught up in my head.

Coach (Karin): Thank you for sharing that. Earlier, you said you were fine, but let me ask again—how are you really doing?

Facilitator (Kylee): I’m not okay. Emma stopped co-facilitating, Elise resigned, and everything’s fallen on me. I’ve been struggling at home and barely sleeping.

Coach (Karin): Thank you for your vulnerability. Sharing your burdens with me is crucial to prevent these challenges from spilling into your group. I suggest you take a break from facilitating for now, spend time with your family over the holidays, and let me know how I can support you.

Facilitator (Kylee): Taking a break feels like such a relief. Thank you for your support, and I’m sorry if I let the group down.

Coach (Karin): You didn’t let the group down. Their healing is just beginning, and you’ve been a part of that.

Facilitator (Kylee): Thanks, Karin.

Coach (Karin): You’re welcome.

Key Takeaways

• Even experienced facilitators face challenges and may struggle with compassion fatigue or personal issues.
• A supportive coach or mentor can help facilitators recognize these struggles and model healthy facilitation practices.
• Facilitators must feel empowered to share their burdens and seek support when needed, and even step back for a time when that’s needed for healthy self-care.

Providers are encouraged to maintain a support system, such as a mentor or supervisor, to discuss challenges and prevent personal struggles from affecting group dynamics.

ROLE PLAY 2: A CLIENT CONFIDES IN A FACILITATOR (THE WRONG WAY)

In the next two role plays, a client shares with his facilitator how he’s struggling. In this first scenario, the facilitator does not handle this conversation well.

Participants

• • Client (Nyles Pinckney)
  • Facilitator (Karin Barbito)

Client (Nyles): I just don’t get it. I’ve been doing this for months now, and it feels like nothing’s changing. I’ll never be able to get over this. It’s just too much.

Facilitator (Karin): Nyles, you’ve been saying this for a while now. At some point, you’re going to have to accept that healing takes work. Everyone else is managing it. So you just really need to pull yourself together. You can’t keep using this as an excuse.

Client (Nyles): I’m not making any excuses. It’s just really hard. It feels like I’ll never be able to move on from this. Like it’s always going to be with me.

Facilitator (Karin): It’s not about moving on. You just need to stop dwelling on it so much. You’ve been focused on this for far too long, and it’s clearly holding you back. If you really want to heal, you need to stop making it such a big deal.

Client (Nyles): It’s not that easy. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, but I don’t know how to stop thinking about it—everything that’s happened.

Facilitator (Karin): You’re overthinking it. You’ve spent so much time in your head already. You just need to make a decision to let go. If you want to move forward, you need to get over it. Plain and simple.

Client (Nyles): I can’t just let go of everything. It’s not that simple.

Facilitator (Karin): Well, it should be. You can’t expect things to change if you don’t start making an effort. You’re going to have to snap out of this mindset and push yourself harder. Everyone else here is working through their stuff, so you should be too.

Client (Nyles): I guess. I just feel like I’m never going to get it right.

Facilitator (Karin): Well, if you keep thinking that way, you won’t. You’re not going to get anywhere if you keep doubting yourself like this. It’s time to stop making excuses and just do the work.

Client (Nyles): I’m trying, but it doesn’t feel like enough.

Facilitator (Karin): Well, you need to do more, or nothing will change.

Key Takeaways 

• Compassion is Key: This approach demonstrates a lack of empathy, which can leave the client feeling invalidated and unsupported.
• Avoid Comparisons: Comparing clients to others diminishes their individual struggles and discourages progress.
• Personalized Healing: Grief and healing are unique to each individual and cannot be forced into a timeline or formula.

At the end of this role play, Karin laughed and said, “I just want to reaffirm that this is the wrong way. I would never talk to a client like this. And we made it extreme, so that maybe there’s something in this conversation that you can relate to.”

Nyles agreed: “This is definitely the wrong way to have a conversation with a client who is struggling to move forward in the healing process. We should have compassion, patience, understanding, and normalize what they are feeling.” He added the facilitators need to encourage clients who are struggling.

ROLE PLAY 3: A CLIENT CONFIDES IN A FACILITATOR (THE RIGHT WAY)

Role play three shows how the facilitator could better handle this client overwhelm and frustration. 

Participants

• • Client (Nyles Pinckney)
  • Facilitator (Karin Barbito)

Client (Nyles): I just don’t get it. I’ve been doing this for months now, and it feels like nothing’s changing. I’ll never be able to get over this. It’s just too much.

Facilitator (Karin): It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed—like all the work you’ve been doing isn’t moving you forward in the way you hoped. You’ve been carrying this weight for so long, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling stuck. Can you tell me more about what’s making it feel like you’ll never get over this?

Client (Nyles): I mean, I don’t know. It just feels like everything is always going to be a part of me. No matter how much I try, it doesn’t get easier. I keep thinking that I should be past this by now, but I’m not. And I don’t think I ever will be.

Facilitator (Karin): Thanks for sharing so honestly with me, Nyles. You know, it makes sense that you feel that way. Healing is a process, and it’s not always linear. It can feel discouraging when it seems like nothing’s changing, even though you’re putting in the work. But I want you to know that this doesn’t mean you’re not making progress. Sometimes healing happens in ways we don’t immediately see or understand. It’s a very personal experience.

Client (Nyles): But I’m still stuck. I can’t stop thinking about everything that’s happened, and it just doesn’t feel like I’m getting any better.

Facilitator (Karin): I hear you. It’s really hard to feel like you’re stuck in the same place, especially when the pain feels so heavy. But sometimes it’s not about completely getting over what happened; it’s about learning how to live with it in a way that doesn’t hold you back. What if we shifted the focus from getting over it to how you can begin to carry it differently in a way that doesn’t define who you are right now?

Client (Nyles): You mean I shouldn’t expect to just forget about it?

Facilitator (Karin): Exactly. Forgetting isn’t the goal. Healing is about finding a way to live with your past without letting it control your present. It’s about learning to find moments of peace, even if they’re small, and building from there. Have you noticed any small moments when you didn’t feel as overwhelmed, or when you could take a deep breath and feel just a little bit lighter?

Client (Nyles): Well, there were times where I didn’t feel as anxious, when I was able to be a little bit more present with people, even though it didn’t last very long. But it feels like it’s not enough.

Facilitator (Karin): That’s a huge step, Nyles, even if it feels small. Those moments are part of your healing journey. They show that change is happening, even when it feels like it’s not. Healing doesn’t happen all at once. Sometimes it’s a series of small shifts, and we need to recognize those as progress. You’re not stuck. You’re in the process of moving forward, even if it doesn’t look the way you expected.

Client (Nyles): You really think those moments matter?

Facilitator (Karin): Oh yeah. Every moment you experience peace, even for a short time, is proof that healing is possible—and that it’s taking place. You are healing. It might take time, and it might not look like what you expect, but you’re moving forward. You’re already stronger than you think.

Client (Nyles): I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself. Maybe those moments are worth something.

Facilitator (Karin): It’s okay to be kind to yourself through this process. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to go at your own pace. You’re doing important work, and I’m here with you, every step of the way.

Key Takeaways 

• Validate and Normalize: Clients need their feelings acknowledged and validated to feel supported.
• Shift Perspectives: Encourage clients to focus on small victories rather than an all-or-nothing mindset.
• Encourage Self-Compassion: Emphasize the importance of being kind to oneself during the healing process.
• Individualized Support: Tailor conversations to the unique experiences of the client to foster trust and progress.

In the WRONG WAY, the facilitator invalidated the client’s feelings and created pressure to move on, which can deepen the client’s sense of isolation and failure. The approach focused on telling the client to simply “get over it” and minimized their personal struggles, which can make the client feel misunderstood and unsupported.

In the RIGHT WAY, the facilitator offered empathy, validated the client’s experience, and focused on small, manageable steps, creating a safe space for healing. The facilitator recognized the uniqueness of the client’s journey and encouraged progress, no matter how small, helping the client feel heard and supported in their emotional journey.

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS

We’ve explored several key aspects of facilitation, particularly when dealing with clients healing from abortion. Here are some themes that stand out, which are crucial for supporting clients in their healing process:

Q: What challenges does oversharing pose for facilitators?

A: Karin and others discussed the challenge of oversharing as facilitators. It can shift the focus away from the client and onto the facilitator, potentially triggering the client. It’s a balancing act between being vulnerable and keeping the focus on the client’s experience. 

One provider in the webinar’s discussion highlighted that oversharing can be triggering, emphasizing the importance of being aware of how clients are responding to what is shared.

Q: How much vulnerability should a facilitator show, especially when coping with compassion fatigue? 

A: The question was asked: how much vulnerability should a facilitator show, especially when they’re feeling fatigued themselves. Karin shared a personal experience where she felt she overshared, which led to a shift in group dynamics. The idea is to gauge the group’s readiness for certain levels of vulnerability and to adjust accordingly. Karin also discussed how some levels of sharing may be appropriate after the group has been going for a while that would not be received well in the early weeks of a group.

Q: What is the facilitator’s role in guiding group dynamics?

A: Kylee elaborated on the facilitator’s role, emphasizing that facilitators guide rather than lead the conversation, helping maintain a safe and healthy group dynamic. The facilitator must ensure everyone feels included without overshadowing the group process.

Q: Why is it important to meet clients where they are in their healing journey?

A: Nyles spoke about the importance of respecting clients’ pace and emotional state, acknowledging that not everyone is ready to move forward in their healing journey. Leaving the door open with clients who aren’t ready for deeper work is key, offering them space while signaling that support is available when they’re ready.

Q: How can facilitators help clients navigate grief and emotional challenges?

A: Karin reflected on the importance of understanding where a client is in their grief process. Some may be stuck in negative self-talk, asking “why” or “what if” questions. The facilitator’s job is to help guide them through these thoughts, helping them understand that they can’t change the past, but they can move forward in their healing.

Q: How do you make the work rewarding?

A: Karin finds fulfillment in seeing visible transformations in her clients. She described the emotional and physical shifts she observes as they progress through the healing process. Kylee challenges facilitators to ensure they feel invigorated by this work,

Q: Do you find that the longer it’s been since their abortion(s), the longer a client will take to progress through abortion healing studies, programs, and groups? 

A: Karin shared her observation that those who have held onto their pain for longer (even decades) often progress more quickly once they begin to engage in healing. In contrast, clients who are newer to the experience often need a different approach, as they may be emotionally overwhelmed and confused by their feelings.

NEXT STEPS

Click here to watch the video of this webinar.

Click here to access the Client Group Readiness Assessment tool.

Click here to register for the next Abortion Healing Provider webinar.

Click here to access Support After Abortion’s Resource Library.

Click here to explore Support After Abortion’s services, resources, and training for Abortion Healing Providers.

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