RELATIONSHIPS AFTER ABORTION: FINDING SUPPORT AND HEALING

Struggling emotionally after abortion? Your healing journey starts with finding the right support. Whether it’s your partner, family, friends, or professionals, building healthy relationships after abortion can guide you toward peace.

Let’s explore how to assess your relationships, navigate tough conversations, set boundaries, and prioritize abortion healing—even when others don’t get it.

THE EMOTIONS IN ABORTION HEALING: ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS

Healing after abortion is rarely a straight line. Your emotions are real and valid even as they change. One day you might feel okay, and the next, you could be hit with a wave of emotions you didn’t see coming. And that’s okay. That’s the nature of healing—especially when it comes to something as complex and personal as abortion. There’s no predictable pattern. There’s no “right” way to heal. And there’s no expiration date on your emotions or your healing. What you’re feeling right now is valid, even if it changes from one moment to the next.

Take Alex*, for example. After his girlfriend’s abortion, he felt relief, but then suddenly he’d be hit with overwhelming feelings. “I’d think I was doing fine, then a crushing sadness would come out of nowhere.”

Sarah* described it like this: “One day I felt at peace, the next I was crying, unsure if it was grief or just being overwhelmed. It was like an emotional rollercoaster.”

Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up—without trying to push it away or make it fit into a certain timeline or someone else’s expectations. Healing doesn’t work on a schedule. Some days will feel better than others, and that’s okay. What matters is allowing yourself to feel and heal, and knowing that you don’t have to do it alone.

ASSESSING YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM: WHAT’S HELPING, WHAT’S HURTING?

When we’re hurting after abortion, it’s natural to want to turn to those around us—partner, family, friends. What matters most is finding who truly helps your healing. But sometimes after abortion, those relationships may not feel comfortable or safe to share your thoughts and feelings. Some relationships offer compassion, others drain you or add stress. The key is recognizing the difference, setting boundaries, and leaning on those who truly support you.

Unhelpful support might include someone minimizing your experience, like saying, ‘It’s been months, you should be fine by now,’ or imposing their own feelings without understanding yours. 

“I felt like my mom was always telling me what I should’ve done or how I should be feeling, instead of just letting me express myself,” Jane* shared. “It wasn’t helpful, and it only made me feel worse about the whole situation.”

Another woman, Kim*, realized her best friend wasn’t being the supportive presence she needed. “At first, I thought she was being helpful when she kept offering advice. But as time went on, I realized she was pressuring me to feel a certain way and ‘get over it.’”

Assessing your support system doesn’t have to mean cutting people off—it’s about recognizing what’s working and what’s not. Who in your life supports your healing? Where do you need boundaries to protect your emotional space? You decide who gets access to your healing process.

So, think about your relationships. If someone makes you feel anxious, isolated, or misunderstood, it’s okay to reassess. You deserve to surround yourself with people who respect and support you. And it’s okay to step back from those who don’t.

Healthy Relationship Checklist

Here’s a simple checklist you can use to consider if a relationship is supportive or might be holding you back. (Click HERE for a PDF version of this checklist.)

1. Respect for Boundaries
   Does this person respect my emotional boundaries?
   • They listen when I set boundaries and don’t pressure me to change them.
   • They acknowledge my needs when I ask for it and don’t dismiss or walk over my boundaries.
2. Non-judgmental Support
   Do I feel accepted regardless of where I am in my healing process?
   • They don’t make me feel “wrong” for how I’m feeling.
   • They offer support without judging or trying to guilt trip or manipulate me. 
3. Open Communication
   Can I communicate openly and honestly with this person?
   • I feel comfortable expressing my emotions and thoughts without fear of criticism or judgment.
   • The person is receptive and listens without interrupting or offering unsolicited advice.
4. Emotional Availability
   Is this person emotionally available to me?
   • They check in with me regularly and offer emotional support when I need it.
   • They are fully present and attentive when I need them, without distractions like looking at their phone, watching tv, or zoning out.
5. Encouraging Growth
   Does this person encourage my healing and growth?
   • They support my healing journey and encourage me to make decisions that are best for my well-being.
   • They don’t push me to “get over it”—they honor my healing process.
6. Healthy Conversations
   Do I feel supported and understood after we talk?
   • Our conversations leave me feeling heard, less stressed, and more at ease.
   • They focus on our understanding each other, not just fixing, advising, or changing my mind.
7. Respect for Your Emotions
   Does this person validate how I feel?
   • They understand that emotions are unpredictable and give me space to feel.
   • They avoid rushing me through my emotions or making me feel like I’m “too much.”

We’re going to offer some strategies for hard conversations and setting boundaries. But remember, it’s okay to distance yourself from people who aren’t supportive, especially if their comments or actions are making things harder for you—and they don’t respond to your efforts to share what would help.

STRATEGIES FOR APPROACHING TOUGH CONVERSATIONS 

Hard conversations can be challenging, and often we just want to avoid them, hoping things will get better without having to talk about it. 

“Have you ever put off a difficult conversation and wonder why?,” Dr. Dennis London asks as he starts his article, “How to Have Difficult Conversations (and Why We Avoid Them).”  Dr. London, a licensed psychologist, gives some examples that sound a lot like things we hear from our After Abortion Line clients: relationship difficulties, feeling ignored and dismissed, resentment building up, fights, apologies—but nothing changes and the cycle repeats.

Why Some Conversations Feel Too Hard

Dr. London explains some reasons why we might be challenged by tough conversations: anxiety, not seeing effective communication and conflict resolution skills modeled in childhood, fear of conflict, a tendency to want to please others or not “rock the boat,” and finding it hard to control our emotions when we’re under stress or pressure. So, we end up feeling anxious about talking about it, are afraid we’ll make the situation worse, or just want to put off feeling uncomfortable.

Avoiding these conversations may feel easier in the moment, but unspoken emotions can build up over time, leading to distance, resentment, or misunderstandings. 

These clients’ stories show how abortion can affect relationships and the challenges of opening up about it:

One woman shared that she regrets the abortion she had because her boyfriend doesn’t want kids. “He says I should have spoken up if I wanted to keep the baby, but I was scared about raising it alone. He keeps telling me I need to move forward and this is causing problems in our relationship.”

A man shared, “I’m having a hard time coping with the abortion my wife had. We agreed it was the right decision, but I’ve been angry since, and I’m reverting to my defensive argument style, which isn’t helping. I don’t know how to talk with her about this.” 

A client who was feeling sadness and grief said, “I want to talk with my partner, but I just don’t know how to communicate it to him. I’m afraid he won’t understand, which is okay, but my biggest fear is he’ll distance himself from me. What if he’s past this abortion?”

A male client said, “My girlfriend had her second abortion. I didn’t want her to have either one. I had such a hard time after the first. I’ve been taking care of her after the procedure, but I don’t know how to talk to her about how I feel.

Others have shared how their mental health suffered, feeling guilt, regret, and emotional distance from their partners. 

Do I Really Have to Talk About What’s Bothering Me? Maybe it’s better to keep quiet.

Dr. London says “kicking the can down the road” only drags out the underlying problems. And while avoiding it may make us less anxious right now, we won’t “learn how to cope with what is making us anxious,” he says. And, our minds and bodies will get used to tolerating anxiety. It’s better, he explained, to have “some concrete steps you can take to better manage the anxiety from difficult conversations.”

Practical Strategies for Tough Conversations 

Still feel like “running for the hills?” Having a plan can make a difference. Dr. London offers these tips to help you tackle tough conversations:

• Plan ahead. Schedule the conversation and think through your approach. It can help to write down important points you want to remember to say. 
• Do something calming right before you talk. You might listen to a favorite song, meditate, pray if you’re religious, or practice deep breathing.
• Go in with an open mind. You can’t control the other person’s response, only our own. So, go into conversations knowing it might not turn out the way you want, and that’s okay. The important thing is to share what’s on your mind.
• Use “I” statements. Saying something like, “I felt ________ when ___________ happened,” can keep the focus on how you feel and avoid making the other person feel attacked and defensive.  Think about the difference in this example Dr. London shared: “You didn’t take the trash out last night, which you know I hate!” or, “I felt an extra burden yesterday after the long day I had when I came home and the trash wasn’t taken out.” 
• Listen and respond, rather than react. Your goal is to be heard, so offer the same courtesy. Try summarizing: “This is what I heard you say…” or “What I’m hearing is…”  
• Take a break if you need to—but set a time to continue. If a conversation becomes tense, emotional, or frustrating, it’s okay to pause. But don’t just drop it—that can leave issues unresolved, and lead to frustration, anger, and resentment.
• It’s okay to disagree. You may not see eye to eye on everything. But, you can disagree and still have a healthy, productive conversation—and relationship. The goal isn’t to “win,” but to understand each other better.
• Everything is information. If you’ve tried your best and the other person won’t listen or keeps reacting poorly, that tells you something about how they handle conflict. Dr. London shared that he noticed when his clients start learning and using healthier communication skills, sometimes they discover certain relationships aren’t “serving them in a positive way.”

SETTING BOUNDARIES: PROTECTING YOUR EMOTIONAL SPACE

When you’re struggling after abortion, protecting your emotional well-being is crucial. One way to do that is by setting boundaries. Boundaries aren’t walls that keep people out—they’re guidelines that protect your emotions and ensure the support you get is truly helpful. They’re a type of self-care that prioritizes your well-being.

Boundaries can look different for everyone. They might involve limiting certain topics, asking for more space, or rethinking how much emotional energy you spend on others. When you set boundaries, you’re telling others what you need and what you can handle.

Setting boundaries is empowering, but it can also feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to putting your well-being first. A Calm.com article on setting family boundaries, clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, says boundaries “build stronger, more respectful relationships and ensure your needs are met.” 

While you might worry about coming across as selfish or pushing people away, or that someone close to you might get upset or think you’re being difficult, boundaries are about “creating a healthy dynamic that helps you feel understood and respected.”

The article explains that boundaries protect your mental health, encourage healthy relationships, promote independence, and can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts. 

What Kinds of Boundaries Can I Set?

Mental Health researcher and coach, Jo Nash, PhD, shares seven types of boundaries in Positive Psychology: 

1. Mental – freedom to have your own thoughts, values, and opinions.
2. Emotional – how emotionally available you are to others.
3. Material – monetary decisions, including giving or lending to others.
4. Internal – self-regulation, energy spent on yourself versus others.
5. Conversational – topics that you do and do not feel comfortable discussing.
6. Physical – privacy, personal space, your body.
7. Time – how much time you spend with someone or doing something.

She says that you’ll “thrive” if you “maintain healthy boundaries in all seven” areas. “But when others cross or violate” your boundaries, not addressing it can lead to problems. She advises that if others “push back against your boundaries or continue to violate them, then this shows your relationship may be off balance, problematic, or even toxic.”

How Do I Set Boundaries?

Dr. Nash breaks it down into four steps. We’ve added some tips and examples that might help you put these steps into practice.

• Define – Identify the boundary you want. 

Consider what feels overwhelming or unhelpful. What triggers you? What makes you feel drained? What do you need more of in your relationships (space, empathy, quiet time, respect, conversation…)?

Example: I want my mom to stop talking about my abortion and telling me how I should feel.

• Communicate – Tell the other person what you need.

Be clear and direct. Use “I” statements. Be firm, but respectful. 

Example: “I feel anxious and upset when people bring up my abortion or try to tell me how I should feel. So, I need you not to talk about it unless I ask. And if I share how I feel, I need you to listen without challenging me or telling me I shouldn’t feel that way.”

• Stay Simple – Don’t overexplain. Be direct, but kind.

Keep your words clear and concise. You don’t need to justify your boundary. If you overexplain, it can dilute your message and invite pushback. Just stick to the essentials. 

Example: “I don’t want to talk about that right now.” (instead of “It’s just really hard for me, and I don’t know how to explain everything I’m feeling, and I don’t want to upset anyone, but…”)

• Set Consequences – Say why it’s important and what will happen if it’s not respected.

Explain why this boundary matters to you and what you’ll do if it’s not respected. Be firm, yet ensure the consequence is reasonable. When people know that you’re serious about your boundaries, they’re more likely to honor them.

Example: “I need my healing process to be on my terms. If you bring this up again, I will step away from the conversation.”

Example-After more intense or continued pushback: “I need my healing process to be on my terms. If you keep pushing me to do things I’m not ready for, I’ll have to take a step back from spending time together.”

Dr. Nash offers several healthy boundaries worksheets that you might find helpful. They cover identifying where you need firmer or more flexible boundaries, how to say no, how to state what you want, dealing with boundary violations, and setting boundaries for yourself.

Setting boundaries isn’t about disrupting relationships—it’s about improving them. “Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship,” Dr. Nash quotes psychotherapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.” Rather, boundaries help relationships flourish by making sure there’s respect and understanding, so both people feel heard and supported.

What if They Push Back or Don’t Respect My Boundaries?

If people aren’t used to you setting boundaries, it may take some time for them to adjust. They may resist, which can feel uncomfortable. 

Let’s talk about some tips based on clinical psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.

• Acknowledge the discomfort. Think of it like building muscle—those first days at the gym, you just want to quit and stay home watching your favorite show. But, the more you work at it, the easier it becomes, and the stronger you become.
• Stay consistent. If someone pushes back or doesn’t understand, gently remind them of the boundary you set. Keep it simple. You can reaffirm that your boundaries are for your emotional health, not to push them away. When you stay consistent, over time it will help others understand and respect your boundaries.
• Ask yourself regularly: Are my boundaries working for me? Do I need to adjust them based on new circumstances or evolving relationships? 
• Give yourself grace. Setting and keeping boundaries may be new for you, but you can do this!

Even with clear boundaries, some people might push back—out of habit, confusion, or their own discomfort. Having a few go-to responses can help you stay firm while keeping the conversation calm. Here are a few examples:

If someone says: You’re being too sensitive about this.

You can respond: I understand it might seem that way, but this is what I need right now for my emotional health.

If someone says: But I’m just trying to help.

You can respond: I appreciate that you want to help. What would really help me now is [specific action].

If someone says: You can’t just shut me out.

You can respond: I’m not shutting you out. I’m asking for specific boundaries that will help our relationship in the long run.

If someone says: You’ve changed.

You can respond: I’m focusing on my well-being, and this boundary helps with that.

FIGURING OUT WHAT HELPS & WHAT DOESN’T

When you’re having a hard time after abortion, finding the right support is crucial, but it’s not always easy. You might find that some people’s attempts to help miss the mark, leaving you feeling misunderstood or even more isolated. Others may unintentionally add to your emotional burden, while some may offer the comfort and validation you truly need. The key is recognizing what types of support are actually helping you heal and setting boundaries with those who aren’t.

Asking for the Support You Need

It’s frustrating when loved ones try to support you, but their efforts don’t match your emotional needs. After abortion, your feelings can fluctuate—sometimes you need space, sometimes you need comfort, and sometimes you just need someone to listen. 

Here are a few tips on how to communicate what would be more helpful for you:

• If you need someone to listen: “I really need someone to listen, no advice. I don’t need solutions, I just need to talk and be heard.”
• If you need space: “I love you, but I need a little distance today. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk.”
• If you need comfort: “I’m struggling today. Could you just stay with me a while and let me talk or be quiet without any pressure?”
• If you need practical help: “I’m overwhelmed. Could you help with [specific task].”
• If you need a distraction: I’m feeling really down right now. Do you mind if we do something easy together, like watch a show or take a walk? It’ll help me get my mind off things.”

It’s okay to ask for what you need, and it’s okay if others don’t fully understand your experience. The goal is to get support that truly helps you heal.

SUPPORTING SOMEONE AFTER ABORTION

We’ve covered how someone can find after abortion support, but what if you’re the one who wants to offer support? Whether it’s your partner, friend, or family member, you may be wondering how to help.

Supporting someone after abortion can be complicated—whether you were in favor of the abortion, disagreed with it, pressured or felt pressured about it, or didn’t know about it at the time. Plus, you might be dealing with your own emotions while wanting to be there for them. Whatever you’re feeling is valid, and it’s okay to seek support for yourself, too.

If someone you know is struggling after abortion, focus on being a safe, non-judgmental presence. People process emotions differently—many women find healing through talking, while men often process more internally or through action. Some may need space, others reassurance. The most important thing is to support them with compassion and without pressure.

Ways to Be Supportive:

• Listen without offering advice: “I’m here to listen if you want to talk, no suggestions unless you ask.”
• Validate their feelings with empathy: “I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds painful.”
• Check in without pushing: “Hey, I’m thinking of you. Want to grab coffee or just hang out?” 
• Offer low-pressure company: “I’m free to watch a movie, no talking required.” Or for someone more active, “Wanna shoot some hoops? No talking required.”
• Help with daily stuff: Abortion can affect women emotionally, hormonally, and physically. And men may find their emotions affect them physically and mentally. Either or both of them may not feel up to handling meals, transportation, or daily responsibilities. Say, “I’m running to the store—want anything?” or “I’ve got things covered today—take the time you need.”
• Acknowledge your feelings and allow space for conversation: “I know we both have a lot of emotions around this. I’m here whenever you want to talk—or even if you don’t.”
• Be patient with plans: If they cancel or seem distant, don’t take it personally—say, “No worries, let me know when you’re up for something.”
• Open the door to talk, but respect their boundaries: “I know this hit you hard, want to talk about it?” If they say no, say, “No problem. I’m here whenever you need me.”

One more tip: scroll back up to the Healthy Relationship Checklist (or read the PDF) and ask yourself, “Do I do these things for the person I want to support?”

Be encouraged! Your role isn’t to fix anything—just being there and listening can make a world of difference.

TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF THROUGH HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Healing after abortion is a deeply personal journey, and the relationships you rely on can make all the difference in how you process your emotions. By setting healthy boundaries, leaning on the right people, and engaging in open, honest conversations, you can create an environment that supports your healing. 

Remember, you have the right to take care of yourself, and that includes choosing people who will genuinely support you through this process. Trust yourself to know what you need and take the steps to protect your emotional well-being. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your healing matters. With the right support, you can find the hope and peace you deserve.

WHERE TO FIND SUPPORT OUTSIDE YOUR CIRCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes, the best way to heal after abortion is to turn to someone outside your usual circle of friends, family, or partner—someone who can offer a fresh perspective and a safe space for you to process your emotions. 

External support can help you explore your feelings more openly without the complexities or pressures that can come from loved ones. Counselors, support groups, peer-facilitators can all be great resources for healing.

Want support outside your relationships? 

Support After Abortion’s After Abortion Line offers confidential, compassionate support at no cost to you—connect through online chat, phone, text, email, or messaging on Facebook or Instagram. We can help you find the resource that best meets your preferences. Options include one-on-one counseling, group support, or self-guided options; religious or non-religious; virtual or in-person, and more.

Plus, you can explore supportafterabortion.com, where you’ll find helpful tools like Keys to Hope and Healing, an introductory abortion healing resource, and Unraveled Roots, a resource designed to help uncover and break free from damaging patterns. These resources—with books, self-guided video series, and journals—are available for both women and men.

No matter where you are in your healing process, you don’t have to go through it alone. Support is available.

DO YOU—OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO—PROVIDE AFTER-ABORTION SUPPORT?

Explore our Provider Training Center and attend our free monthly Abortion Healing Provider webinars and Quarterly Facilitator Trainings. To learn more about our resources, support, and trainings for providers, contact us email. We also offer a one-on-one facilitator coaching program—email to learn more.

© Support After Abortion

  * Names changed to protect privacy.

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